Genital Obsession

Last night Grace comes flying into the lounge room crying and yelling “Jed punched me in the mouth…”

Michael gave her a cuddle, called Jed into the room and the conversation went something like this…

Michael: Jed, what did you do to Grace?

Jed: Grace…

Michael: I don’t want to hear what Grace did. What did you do to Grace?

Jed: But…

Michael: No buts… did you hurt Grace?

Jed: Yes. I punched her in the face.

Michael: Now Grace, why did Jed punch you in the face?

Grace: I don’t want to talk about it!

Jed: She kicked me in the doodle!

Grace: He put his foot in my vagina first!

Can anybody tell me where I can buy steel underwear???

It was like watching a cartoon….

On the weekend we were ripping the floor out of our kitchen. Once we ripped up the layer of masonite, there were all these little staples sticking out of the floorboards. As we’re tiling, we decided not to sit there and pull them all out, but instead we’d hammer them flat.

We could only manage to find two hammers and two steel mallets so Michael, myself, Grace and Jed all started hammering staples. At some stage I went to the toilet and when I came back Michael was not paying one iota of notice to the children so I stood watching from the doorway.

Jed had found this big motherfucker nail and also found a little hole in one of the floorboards. He decided this nail is going in that hole! So he stands the nail in the hole and hits it with his mallet. The nail fell over. He repositioned the nail and hit it again. Again, it fell over. Now Jed’s not silly, he calls out “Graaaaaaaaaace… hold this for me!” Grace diligently holds the nail in place and Jed picks up the mallet in both hands and swings it right back over his head in true cartoon style. It was at this point I thought I’d really better put a stop to this so I grabbed the mallet out of Jed’s hand just as he was starting his downswing.

I must say, I did really want to let them go and watch the outcome… but that’s probably bad parenting!

I got screwed!

When Grandma died in February I ferreted through her costume jewellery and scored some amazing vintage pieces that will forever remain treasures to me.

There was also a lot of stuff I didn’t want to keep so took them to a vintage store to see how much I could get for them. There were 25 pieces (a pair of earrings = 1 piece, so does a pair of cufflinks) that the store was interested in and they offered me $250 for the lot.

I knew I was getting screwed but the saying “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” is one I practically live by so decided to accept the offer.

Yesterday I had to venture to the other end of the city for work and decided to pop into said store to see how badly I got screwed… I’d expected about a 300% mark up… but to my utter dismay all of my pieces were marked up between 500%-700%.

Well, by the time I left I realised I’d been screwed so badly that I think my arse was bleeding!

What starts in laughter... ends in tears...

My brother, Racer, and his mate Jeff coach the Brighton Seagulls Under 17’s rugby league team.

Yesterday I ventured out to Hurstville Oval to see my brother’s boys face off against Renown United in the Grand Final. Unfortunately for Brighton, Renown managed to run away with the prize after a hard fought 16 – 10 victory.

To Racer, Jeff and boys… commiserations! Just remember there’s always next year.

To Renown… a begrudging congratulations on the victory.