Has Mum lost her mind… like Grandpa lost his hand???

When Grandma died recently, Aunty Lorraine and Uncle Barry inherited Grandma and Grandpa’s old bed. One day Aunty Lorraine noticed a handprint on the bed and called mum.

Aunty Lorraine: I’ve found a skeletal handprint on the bed head…

Mum: Which side of the bed?

Aunty Lorraine: Looking at the bed from the foot, the left hand side.

Mum: That was Dad’s side of the bed. Which hand is the print of?

Aunty Lorraine: Left hand

Mum: Oh my, that’s the hand dad severed over 50 years ago!

I personally think she’s looking into it a little too much… what do you think???

The Tooth Fairy Strikes Again…

Or more to the point… doesn’t.

Grace lost another tooth yesterday. This morning everybody’s getting ready to go out when I remembered I was meant to play tooth fairy. Grace hadn’t mentioned the tooth fairy’s lack of appearance, so I thought she must have forgotten and quickly replaced the tooth with money while she wasn’t looking.

15 minutes later she finds the tooth missing and money in its place.

Grace: Mum, the Tooth Fairy came

Me: That’s lovely honey… she finally remembered to make an appearance?

Grace: She hadn’t been when I got up this morning.

Me: (damn, she did check)… oh well, she must have been running late!

Anyone would think I graduated from the Britney Spears School of Parenting!

Mum always said... Don't play ball in the house

…I’m sure you remember that infamous line from The Brady Bunch and in this instance there was no broken Ming Dynasty vase… it was much, much worse!

Grace has one of those balls you can get for $2.99 at any service station that are slightly smaller than a soccer ball, made of a thin plastic and pumped up to within an inch of its life.

Last night as I was clearing away the dinner dishes, Grace was bouncing said ball in the kitchen.

Me: Grace, go and put the ball away.

Grace: It’s alright, I’ll be careful

Me: I know you’ll be careful, but we all know accidents happen. Please put the ball away.

Now, as her “last great act of defiance” before doing as she was told, she gave the ball a swift kick. The ball bounced off the kitchen window into an oil laden pan on the stove, bounced out of the pan and proceeded to bounce like a pinball (I swear at one point it actually increased momentum) off every wall and piece of furniture in the room smearing oil everywhere.

Needless to say, the rest of my evening was spent with the children playing a rousing game of “spot the splotch”.

Every ball in our house has now been slashed to ribbons and the only balls the kids are allowed to play with are cubes!

Where’s my yellow car?

Michael bought Jed a packet of 4 cars from the movie Cars and Jed had left three of them sitting in the hallway while he was playing in his room.

Michael: Put these cars away before I throw them in the bin! (kicks cars out of the way).

Jed: (comes out of his room and sees the three cars) Where’s my yellow car? Did you throw my yellow car in the bin?

Michael: No. I didn’t throw your yellow car in the bin.

Jed: Yes you did! (starts rummaging through the kitchen tidy without success) Where’s my yellow car?

Michael: Which one? The one you have in your hand?

Jed: (checks left hand) Yep, that’s the one!

My life is all but over…

It happened… I can’t believe it happened.

Last night I was singing along with the radio…

Grace : You have a beautiful voice

Me: Thank you, but I know I have a terrible voice. (I’ve heard cats fight with more harmony than I can muster).

Grace: I bet you had a beautiful voice in the “olden days”

The olden days? The fucking olden days?

Just smother me with a pillow now!!!

Dodgiest Tooth Fairy in the World

Okay, so I'm in line for the World's Worst Mother Award.

Late last week Grace lost a tooth and then misplaced said tooth. She wrote a note to the tooth fairy in the hope she would be forgiven for losing her tooth. Anyway, I fell asleep and Grace was up at some ridiculous hour of the morning to check whether or not the tooth fairy had been. The tooth fairy hadn't!

In an attempt to fool myself into thinking I didn't forget... I suggested that maybe the tooth fairy can't read... maybe the tooth fairy won't pay for "lost teeth". I couldn't find the note she'd written and nothing more was said or done about it.

Last night I found the letter...

Translation: Tooth Fairy, I accidentally lost my tooth on the floor and I hope you can read. I hope you will still give me money if I find it. Don't worry at all, you don't have to give me money.

Love Grace B

To: Tooth Fairy, you are beautiful

To say I felt 2 inches tall is being generous. I got out her first lost tooth (as mother's keep those types of things) and told her I found her tooth. We put it in a glass and lo and behold... the tooth fairy made an appearance last night and left Grace a shiny gold coin.

Racer, you're right... dodgiest tooth fairy in the world!!!!